Hey Strangers...

So.

I'm not doing a year in review this year.  I'm also dragging this blog out of mothballs.  I need this.

For those unaware, Amy and I were divorced this year.  There is no commentary on that necessary, and I will edit any out of the comments section.  Doing a year in review seems...silly..and not really something I want to discuss...this year.

I, however, have started a new adventure.  A lot of you went on the steakhouse tour.  I thank you for that. This is one that I've been bandying about for several years.  I like lists.  I like tangible goals.  This is one.

I have started to watch every single film in the AFI Top 100 (10th Anniversary Edition).  The goal is to finish by December 31, 2014.  I'm 3+ into it today (I have to re-watch one - see below).  I will be posting thoughts about the films, but more importantly, I think, my thoughts on the process.  I will also post about my thoughts on whether I feel the film is worthy of the list, or if there are arguments that can be made to eliminate it ("The African Queen" has already been viewed...and this is going to be discussed...).  It's a monumental undertaking, I think.  Well.  Maybe not that monumental, but a fun one.  Writing about it makes it challenging.

Now.  The ground rules.  I've seen 53 of these films as of today.  I thought it was more, but it's not.  Many of the ones I haven't watched are films that I've had on various DVRs for months and never watched.  Many are movies that I've watched dozens of times.  Even at that, I'm watching all 100.   I want a perspective on all of them that is current.  Yes, I watched "Gone With The Wind" - when I was a teenager.  I think I might have a completely different perspective on it.  Among the films I am NOT looking forward to (and I've managed to avoid these two so far in life) are "Schindler's List" and "Sophie's Choice."  It will be nice to be able to, you know, actually discuss those with some amount of authority...but I don't relish the idea of what will be a very painful few hours.

Preliminary thoughts on the list:

1.  I've seen "A Night at the Opera" and "Duck Soup."  The Marx Brothers are worthy of our admiration, and certainly carve a huge niche in the annals of film.  Their talent, timing, comedy, well, everything...is historic.  Do I really think they deserve 2% of the total top 100 films of all time?  No.  I do not.  I wonder, given time, if we won't feel the same way about "Anchorman" or "Caddyshack" in the future.  Brilliantly quotable.  Lots of individually very funny scenes.  Not necessarily the most cohesive of films.  Bah.  That's probably blasphemy.  Call me a blasphemer.

2.  I'm not sure that Charlie Chaplin is represented enough.  "The Kid" is not on the list, and neither is "The Great Dictator."  I dast say "The Great Dictator" deserves it just because of the chutzpah in making it.  It certainly addressed the horrors we didn't know want to know about at the time in WWII better than "Casablanca" did.  AND, it did it before America was even in the war.

3.  Black films appear to be underrepresented.  I think "Boyz N The Hood" might belong, and "Malcolm X" was a brilliant film.

4.  There is also a lack of respect given horror/scare films.  My sister rightly pointed out that "Night of the Living Dead" probably belongs.  No "Alien."  "Frankenstein?"  "Dracula?"

5.  "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" is a terrible movie...but it belongs in any list about the top 100 films of all time just for what it continues to do to audiences.  I'm reasonably certain the funding was American...so come on.

6.  "The Sixth Sense" is on the list...and that twist ending was shocking.  However, didn't "The Usual Suspects" have as good, if not a better, twist?  It was made first, too.

That's all for today.  I've watched "The African Queen," "The Apartment," and "On the Waterfront" thus far.  I started "North by Northwest," pretty much watched about 75% of it...but fell asleep.  I'll post about those in the next couple days.

some days...

....

I've wandered around with nothing more than time on my hands
I was lost in the night with no sight of you
And at times it was so blue and lonely
Heading for the light

Been close to the edge, hanging by my fingernails
I've rolled and I've tumbled through the roses and the thorns
And I couldn't see the sign that warned me, I'm
Heading for the light

Oh - I didn't see that big black cloud hanging over me
And when the rain came down I was nearly drowned
I didn't know the mess I was in

My shoes are wearing out from walking down this same highway
I don't see nothing new but I feel a lot of change
And I get the strangest feeling, as I'm
Heading for the light

Oh - my hands were tired
Jokers and fools on either side
But still I kept on till the worst had gone
Now I see the hole I was in

My shoes are wearing out from walking down this same highway
I don't see nothing new but I feel a lot of change
And I get the strangest feeling, as I'm
Heading for the light

I see the sun ahead, I ain't never looking back
All the dreams are coming true as I think of you
Now there's nothing in the way to stop me
Heading for the light

Now there's nothing in the way to stop me
Heading for the light...




Thanks, George. 

It's been a while...

...and this may veer off the road uncontrollably, but I gotta do this. 

No links, no humor.  This is my diary.  I'm writing the next chapter. 

I don't know where to begin, so I'll begin at the inane.

Friday night, I took my nephew to go see "Green Day's American Idiot."  It is not the greatest show ever.  I'm not even sure it's great.  I like it, but I could find a lot of flaws in it.  I'm not here to review the show.  I'm here to talk about why this event is significant.  I took Josh to see the show because I'd seen it before, and I thought he would enjoy it.  He had been listening to the album for a while, and I figured it was a good way to spend some time with him. 

When I saw the show the first time, I went home and bought the soundtrack for the show.  I started listening to it.  I enjoyed it.  As with any other music, I found myself singing along.  As I'm an actor, I found myself starting to "act" while singing along.  That's when something happened.  And now we get to why I'm writing this.

I came home one night and told my wife that I could no longer relate to music.  That I could sing along, but that I was just faking it.  I should have seen a red flag.  As an actor, my philosophy has always been that I'm just play acting.  Still, somewhere, I have to be able to relate to what I'm saying, and I have to find those emotions and bring them to the audience. 

"I can't relate to music anymore." 

Unreal.  Music touches my soul in ways that I cannot describe.  I can hear the pick scraping the string of a guitar.  I can hear the layers upon layers of background noise embedded in most songs.  I can pick up the subtle fills that bass players throw in, and the often subtle strummings of a good rhythm guitar player.  Yet, in this moment, I couldn't relate to it any more.

And that's where it started. 

I had a very traumatic, self-imposed event happen at my job that I'm not getting into here, but for which I was suspended.  It snapped me back into line.  It made me stop and look at myself.  Most importantly, it made me realize that the reason behind this event was something that I could no longer be party to, and that the disease behind it needed to be treated. 

I started therapy. 

Again. 

Again, I probably don't need to get into the details publicly.  These are changes that I just need to make and let the chips fall where they may.

The public part of this is this:  I have become, over the past several years, a punchline.

This idea of Randyville or Randystage, or whatever you want to call it...it doesn't work for who I am.  Not the real me.  The bravado, cocky, arrogant guy?  Yeah, that's not real.  You probably already know that.  There's part of me that is him, but the greater part is a scared, cowering child who can't let anyone see the truth, or he's convinced they will abandon me. 

So.  This event that happened at work?  It happened the day of callbacks for "Full Circle."  Lots of other stuff happened as a result of that event, none of which I'm getting into today, but let's just say that things haven't been that great. 

As you probably know if you're reading this, I was cast in "Full Circle."  The character I was playing, and the tact the director took required me to abandon the idea of "play acting" and to, you know, FIND IT.  Based on the reactions I got from people, and from my own haze while performing, I guess I found it.  I didn't do this for glory.  I didn't do what I did to show off.  I did what I did because that's what was required of an actor.  Any actor. 

I'm veering.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, short of saying that the Randy Knott that has existed for too many years now had to go.  It became obvious during "A Little Night Music," when comments about my arrogance and ego, which were constant (especially from yours truly), finally started to hurt.  When it was obvious that I was just a punchline. 

How had I allowed myself to become that?  I care deeply about people.  I always have.  I do an absolutely horrific job of showing it.  Probably because, again, I'm afraid of getting hurt.  How to combat that:  make myself appear invulnerable.  Well.  I'm not.  Being a punchline sucks.  Yeah, I did that to myself, so don't feel sorry for me, but it sucks. 

I'm doing everything I can manage to do to not be the punchline any more. 

I hope it's not too late. 

For those whom I may have hurt while shielding myself (if there are any), I'm sorry.  I wish I had been honest enough to let you know how much I valued you. 

So.  Fashionable I guess to write this down.  Perhaps there's a little of the old Randy present in making this public.  Perhaps not.  I don't know.  Like I said, this is my diary.  If nothing else, I will re-read this and judge myself with it. 

Thank you for reading this. 

I promised...

...that I would give a written review of "War Horse" here.  So, here it is. 

I'm not going to give away too much of the plot, I hope, but there were a lot of things about the show that deserve commentary.  It's important enough as a piece of theatre, I think, to warrant me doing this.  Or maybe I just like hearing myself sound important.  I'm guessing it's the latter.

You can Google search the origins of the show, I'm not going to talk about that here.  What I'm talking about is what I SAW, felt, and heard.  That's it.  Enough with the prelims.

"War Horse," at its heart, is a fairly simple story.  And that's precisely where the show went off the tracks for me.  It's about a boy who gets a horse.  It happens to be a magnificent horse, capable of things that it should not be capable of for its breed.  The boy lives under the roof of a very proud, very stubborn, and very insecure Irish man.   The man bid his mortgage for the horse as a colt at auction, just to keep his brother from getting it.  He's got some problems.  Long story short, the idea is that the horse, once it matures, will eventually be sold for what was paid, and the debt will be paid.  The horse is a racer.  The man is a farmer.  The horse is of no use to him.  So, the man's brother goads him into trying to make Joey (the horse) a farm horse capable of pulling a plow.  If, in a week's time, the horse can pull a plow, the brother will give the man the 37 pounds he paid for Joey, and the man can keep the horse.  The boy is promised that if Joey can do it, the horse will be his forever.  Joey pulls the plow.  All is right.  Except that the bell starts tolling.  Meaning that World War I has begun, and that the men of the town are headed to war.

I'm getting too plot intensive.  The British need horses for the cavalry.  Joey, who was promised to be the boy's, is sold for 100 pounds to the war effort.  100 pounds is a hell of a good price.  The boy, at 16, runs away to find his horse by joining the army.  We see the struggles of the horse, being passed from British soldier to British soldier as they are killed, then the horse winds up in the hands of the Germans, then is finally reunited with his owner.  We see the boy and his struggles in the war.  The boy is weak, the horse is weak, but they make it home.  Happyish ending. 

Let's get on with what is wrong/right. 



See that guy by the head?  Looks like he's helping the horse, doesn't he?  Know how weird that is in a war zone?

The 800 pound gorilla for anyone interested in the show is the puppetry of the horses.  Magnificent.  They move like real horses.  They are simply amazing.  At one point, they walked it up the aisle, to the applause of the patrons.  Unfortunately, it was not the aisle we were close to, but it was cool.  I was astounded by what the bits of plastic/wood/whatever material they used were able to accomplish.  The horse seemed to breathe.  It had horse mannerisms.  If I had one complaint, it was that the puppeteer manipulating the head was outside the costume, and although he was "part of the horse" he looked like he was petting the horse's head at times rather than making it move.  It was odd to have a guy so calmly standing next to the horse when big drama was happening around him.

Also right:  when we met the Germans, the British had just mounted a charge across no man's land.  It failed.  Joey and one other horse made it through.  The rest were tangled in barbed wire, and had to be put down.  A German soldier is screaming at the British, in English, about how stupid they were to ride against machine guns and into barbed wire.  The British are screaming back, in English, that they don't speak German.  It was very effective to be able to understand what both sides were saying without them actually communicating.  Very good choice.  No subtitles.  Just English language.  Proving that neither side was really "evil."  Just misunderstood.  Nice.  There was awkwardly comedic scene later as a result of this, but at that point, we needed a little levity.

Now.  What's wrong. 

An 11 year old girl is introduced.  We never learn her fate.  We can assume she dies, but we never see it.  You cannot put a child in a war zone and not show us what happened.  That's not fair.  I know it's "real," but the horse was a puppet.  I'm sitting in a theatre seat, and the cannonball that killed the British Lieuntenant was a flashlight on a stick that someone walked into his chest.  It's not real.  So.  Tell me what happened to the girl.

The show is at least half an hour too long.  There is a very long, drawn out scene about moving some cannons.  It keeps going, and going.  Yes, we knew it would work out OK.  We didn't need it to take that long.  It would have tightened things up. 

Now for my biggest criticism.  Read a book.  Go get some information about World War I.  There are not many things that were more stupid, cruel, senseless, and just flat out wastes of human lives as that war.  World War II killed more people, mostly because the machinery had gotten so good at it.  World War I was just a meat grinder.  Trenches that didn't move, where every day, someone new would try and get to the other side, only to be beaten back after losing just about all their men.  They called it a "war of attrition."  That is disgusting.  Kill everyone on the other side.  Beyond wasteful.  I'm getting off the beaten path.  I know World War I was awful.  The play is designed to make us sympathetic to a couple of characters to show us how awful it was.  Except that the story isn't good enough to justify that.  At least it wasn't to me.  "All Quiet..." tells me that much better.  Watching a horse struggle to move a cannon doesn't help illustrate that.  It's a major flaw.  In my opinion, anyway. 

Overall, I think "War Horse" is a piece of theatre worth viewing, if only for the horse.  And, unfortunately, that's about the best I can say about it.  I'm glad I saw it.  I think everyone who sees it feels the same.  I'm just not sure I'd ever want to see it again. 

2012...

Actually sunrise, but it's like the sunrise of a new year...

...in review.

This year was a good one.  They all are, but I've felt particularly good this year.  Since this is my diary, it's time for a little perspective...

In 2012 the following affected me or my family:

Each of the boys got to drive a boat for the first time.

Them thar's Burnt Ends.  They are better than they look.

Lost the first of my uncles or aunts.  At 44, and with a total of 5 sets (4 sets and 1 divorced set), that's pretty fucking amazing.

Got to sing "Who Can I Turn To?" for a paying audience.

Renewed a friendship that had been lost.

Watched my oldest son go to second grade.

Watched the sun rise on Kroon Lake in Lindstrom, MN.

For that matter, set foot in the state of Minnesota for the first time.

Took in a baseball game with Nolan Ryan and George W. Bush.

Visited the Texas Book Depository.  Or the Sixth Floor Museum as it's called now.

Found Lee Harvey Oswald's grave.  And Clyde Barrow's, and Bonnie Parker's.

Spent two months with a ridiculous mustache.

"Black Comedy" - the most fun I've ever had directing.

Added Burnt Ends to my resume.  You'd understand why that's momentous if you tried them.

Got to sing at a surprise party for a dear friend.

Watched my wife get fired into a promotion.  Amazing where opportunities arise sometimes...

Saw yet another Republican kowtow to the insane portion of the right to the loss of his own Presidential Campaign.

Helped my youngest celebrate his third birthday.

Lost our full-time babysitter as a better opportunity for her and her family arose.

Got to ball games at Minute Maid Park in Houston, Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, Wrigley Field, US Cellular Field, Miller Park and Target Field.  That's 6 stadiums and, if memory serves, 13 ball games.  I really hate baseball.

Count Carl-Magnus Malcolm and the Countess. 

Tried Harold's Chicken.  I'm not eating chicken anywhere else real soon.

Took in a ball game with some LONG AGO friends in September.

Went to a practice round of the Ryder Cup at Medinah.  Got some pretty amazing photos of the losing team.


Used GPS guidance technology for the first time while in Texas.  I'm converted.

Directed "Black Comedy," a farce, in the spring.

Appeared in "Broadway Ballot," a cabaret featuring a bunch of the most talented people in the community theatre scene in August.

Appeared as Carl Magnus in "A Little Night Music" in the fall.  Got to sing a duet with someone I've been waiting a LONG time to sing a duet with...while meeting some great people.  P'raps one of the easiest/most in my wheelhouse roles I've tackled.  Fun to really look like you know what you're doing....

Played the character of the host of a "radio broadcast" of "It's A Wonderful Life" at Christmas.  I did a lot of theatre work this year.

Assembled.

Probably spent too little time with my in-laws.  Not that I didn't want to, but I was pretty busy with theatre.

Probably spent too little time with my family that doesn't live with me.  Not that I didn't want to, but I was pretty busy with theatre.

Guess who his daddy is.

Saw "War Horse."  More to come on that in the coming days.

Took my son and nieces to "Blue Man Group."  Third time for me.  First time for them.  Still a great night at the theatre.

Met Tom Ricketts.  And Jose Cardenal.  And Starlin Castro.  And Rick Monday.  And Steve Trout.  And Lee Smith.  And Keith Moreland.  And Anthony Rizzo.  Talked to Theo Epstein.  For a moment, but it counts.  Shit.  I met a lot of Cubs.  I may be a fan.

Saw "Million Dollar Quartet."

Celebrated nine years of marriage in style.

Managed to not pick up my golf clubs once.

Dropped 25 pounds at the end of the year.  Got more to go.

Took Brady to see "The Wiggles" on his birthday.

Both boys loved fishing in Minnesota.

Took my family on a vacation.  Much needed, and it WILL be repeated annually.  Brady's old enough to go now.  Won't skip time away like that again.

Used my smoker a LOT.

Had my oldest nephew get accepted to college.

Made a lot of new friends.  Really like them, and feel really blessed to know them all.

Marked 24 years without drugs or alcohol.

Made a lot of visits to the Museum of Science and Industry.

Did not make any visits to the zoo.  Gotta change that in 2013.

Led a canoe trip with a group of friends for entirely too long a distance down the Fox River before the drought hit.

Had far too many thoughts of tragedy befalling strangers, friends, and family.  I never expected to get through this life unscarred.  I think we all could use a year of less loss. I don't expect that, now that I'm getting older, but it would be nice.

Tried my best to maintain perspective on my life, my love, my family, my job, and my world.  Often lost that perspective.

Spent far too little time on this blog.  I'm going to try and change that in 2013.  No promises.  P'raps I'll still suck at this.

Thanks for reading.  Blessings or whatever you call them in 2013.  Let's make it a good one.  Without any fear.

Perspective.  A smiling family, good food in our bellies, and a
baseball game in our memory from that afternoon.  Photo taken by a friend.
I think that pretty much nails everything that's truly important.